Shit - It’s 6 A.M.
[Verse 1]
Wake up angry, don’t know why The sun showed up — there goes my day Birds are singing like they own the place I hate every one of their stupid faces
Coffee’s too hot, coffee’s too cold The weather can’t make up its damn mind That guy jogging looks way too cheerful Someone oughta investigate that crime
[Pre-Chorus]
People ask me what’s wrong today Dude, where the hell should I start?
[Chorus]
I’m a professional hater World-class complainer Gold medal winner At finding life’s irritators
That rock? Screw you That tree? Screw you That cloud shaped like a bunny? Fuck you - Especially you
Everything’s fine That’s the problem I see I’m a professional hater And business is booming for me
[Verse 2] The grass is too green, the sky’s too blue That sunset’s showing off again A happy little family at the park Should probably knock it off, my friend
That stupid rat keeps judging me That blue car looks suspicious as hell That one perfect flower by the sidewalk Can go straight back where flowers dwell
The moon keeps hanging over my house Like it’s got something smart to say If you’re wondering whether I hate that too Absolutely. Next question.
[Pre-Chorus]
Don’t need a reason Don’t need a cause I can manufacture outrage Without any flaws
[Chorus]
I’m a professional hater World-class complainer Gold medal winner At finding life’s irritators
That bench? Screw you That lamp? Screw you That perfectly normal Tree? I don’t trust it, do you?
Everything’s fine That’s the problem I see I’m a professional hater And business is booming for me
[Bridge You know what?!
This sidewalk’s crooked! This sandwich is dishonest! That stupid bird knows something!
And don’t get me started on… THE WIND!
What is it even doing?! Pick a direction and commit!
[Instrument Break]
Hey! Hey! Hey!
Everything sucks today!
Hey! Hey! Hey!
Probably my fault anyway!
[Final Chorus][Key lift]
I’m a professional hater C.E.O. of complaints Vice president of bad moods And minor inconveniences
That star? Screw you That car? Screw you That mountain standing over there? Who the hell invited you?
Everything’s fine And that just can’t be I’m a professional hater And business is booming for me
[Outro]
Wait…
That dog’s kinda cute.
…
Nope.
Still hate everything. That’s me. The Professional hater. Yeah. I hate you too.