[Intro]
Every office has that guy.
Every workplace.
Every building.
Every restroom.
…
This is about Al.
[Verse 1]
Every morning same routine
Coffee first, then start the day
Then I walk into the restroom
And immediately lose my faith
There’s a whole damn YUR-ih-nul
A target the size of a truck
Yet somehow every surface nearby
Ends up getting completely fucked
The wall’s a victim
The floor’s a crime scene
The janitor deserves combat pay
And every day I ask myself
How has this man survived this way?
[Pre-Chorus]
I’m not asking for fucking perfection
Nobody’s perfect, it’s true
I’m just wondering how everything’s fucking wet
Except the thing meant for you
[Chorus]
Aim, Al.
Just fucking aim
The target’s right there
This isn’t a fucking game
The wall hates you
The floor hates you
The mop bucket wants your fucking address
Aim, Al.
For Fucks’ sake
We’re all under enough stress
[Verse 2]
I tested every theory
Maybe the lighting’s bad
Maybe his depth perception sucks
Maybe the man’s just fucking sad
But then I watched him staggering in
Like a gunslinger from the wild west
Confidence through the fucking roof
Accuracy? Absolutely not his best
He looked left
He looked right
Like he was sizing up the room
Then launched a stream so wildly off course
I swear it violated physics
[Pre-Chorus]
Scientists should study this shit
Engineers should take some notes about this shit
Because somehow he’s defeated
Basic trajectory and slope and all that shit
[Chorus]
Aim, Al.
Just fucking aim
There’s literally one objective
How are you losing this game?
The toilet fears you
The urinal fears you
The cleaning staff have formed support groups
Aim, Al.
For Fucks’ sake
Why does this keep happening to you?
[Bridge]
You know what?
Maybe it’s me.
Maybe I’m overreacting.
Maybe a little splash happens.
Maybe nobody cares.
…
Then I stepped in something.
SHIIIIIT!!!
FUCK YOU, AL!!!!
[Guitar Solo]
[Final Chorus] [Key Lift]
Aim, Al.
One final plea
A lifetime achievement award
In missing intentionally large targets
The signs gave instructions
The arrows gave hints
The giant white bowl literally explained the assignment
Aim, Al.
The whole damn office agrees
There are many mysteries in this life
But you remain the biggest of these
[Outro]
This morning
The floor was dry.
The walls were clean.
The urinal was spotless.
…
Al’s on vacation.
…
Halle-fucking-lujah.