[Intro]
Dating apps.
What a time to be alive.
…
What the actual Fuck!
[Verse 1]
Swipe right.
Swipe left.
Swipe right.
Questionable decision.
Met one girl who brought six cats And showed me pictures through the entire meal
She had names for all of them And birthdays somehow
I still don’t know her name
Another one spent forty minutes Describing crystal energy
Apparently Mercury was in retrograde
Or asparagus
Or some other vegetable
[Pre-Chorus]
I kept trying
I kept looking
Surely the right one for me is out there
[Chorus]
Swipe right
Take a chance
Maybe this one won’t be completely insane
Swipe right
One more time
Maybe love is hiding somewhere online
I’ve met enough weirdos To write a book about how to avoid them
Then one day…
There you were
What the actual Fuck!
[Verse 2]
One girl talked non-stop for three hours
I learned about her family
Her neighbors
Her dentist
And a guy she hated in third grade
I never actually got a turn
Another showed up with two kids
Who somehow interviewed me
ummm…
Then the next one asked about my income
I think she worked for a bank
Nope.
Then there was the woman Who asked about investments
Before asking my favorite color
I left.
Then this other one who looked kinda cute
But turned out to be another dude.
What the actual Fuck!
[Pre-Chorus]
The search continued
My standards lowered
Dangerously
[Chorus]
Swipe right
Here we go
Please don’t let this become another story
Swipe right
Roll the dice
Maybe this one won’t emotionally audit my life
I’ve met enough weirdos To qualify for hazard pay
Then one day…
There you were
What the actual Fuck!
[Bridge]
No cats.
No crystals.
No investigations.
No unexpected children.
No requests for financial documents.
No discussing astrology As a legal defense strategy.
Just…
A conversation.
Like a normal human being.
Halle-fucking-lujah.
[Guitar Solo]
[Final Chorus] [Key Lift]
Swipe right
Finally
A person who seemed completely sane
Swipe right
What a sight
Maybe I finally got this dating thing right
Funny.
Looking back now
I probably should’ve been suspicious
Nobody normal
Ends up with me
[Outro]
And that’s how we met.
…
What?
The milk thing?
That happened later.
Much later.
…
Worth it.